his ‘smart condom’ measures thrusts, counts calories burned during sex

Are you a calorie counter? Do you use condoms? If you answered ‘yes’ and ‘yes’, then I have some interesting news for you.

The latest in wearable sex-related technology – yes, that’s a category – is an enhanced condom that will count the wearer’s thrusts, and tally the calories burned. As if you needed another thing to think about while you try to open that little package.

Called the iCon Smart Condom, the device is actually a ring that’s placed over a standard condom at the base of the penis shaft. It uses sensors and a nano-chip to determine and measure the aforementioned metrics.

Once you’re done with your session, the product sends the data over to the i.Con app via Bluetooth. You can then proudly show off your stats to the entire world by sharing it on social media or sliding straight to someone’s DM.

Heck, you can even see how you measure up against other ‘smart condom’ users.

However, the item does raise more questions than answers. For instance, what’s it made of? Is it reusable? Does it prevent passing STDs? Will it break? And most importantly, will it feel better?

British Condom, the company behind iCon, hasn’t addressed these concerns yet, but they already have, er, big plans. Priced at AUS$98 (US$74), the condom will be available in the UK later this year, and to be followed by a worldwide release due to high demand.

Maybe these will be a huge hit. But if you’re using it in the first place, do you really need it to help you count calories? Clearly, your current weight is no obstacle to achieving certain important goals in life, like having sex and making enough money to afford cybernetic rubbers.

And really, the last thing you need on your mind when you should be concentrating on your mission are questions like “how many more mid-afternoon quickies until I can fit into those pants I used to wear two years ago?”

And as for the number of thrusts, do I really need to count them? After all, the final tally is ultimately always the same: enough.

We should instead look forward to the day when a condom will tell you how much money you save with each thrust, measured in units of fractions of prevented offspring. That thing would practically pay for itself: it allows you to prevent future children, and it passes the savings on to you!

Remember back in the 1960s, when people were optimistic about future technology? In 2001: A Space Odyssey, Kubrick and Clarke envisioned a future in which computers were the size of buildings, and humans explored the deepest reaches of outer space.

Now just look at what we’ve got instead: there hasn’t been a human on the moon in decades, and computers are small and cheap enough that we can just wear disposable ones on our dicks.

But there’s no way this new rubber calculator is as smart as a HAL 9000. And we know what HAL would say if he was a condom, and you tried to remove him halfway through the deed.